I Will Live with Abandon

It's funny. My mother and I have not had what you would consider the healthiest of relationships over the years. In fact, she has only met my youngest two children a couple of times and has only been to my home once in the ten years we have been here. It's a long story and one that may come out in dribs and drabs in this blogger expedition but I had to comment on this most ironic of situations.

Despite this awkward, distant relationship, my mother forwards 'those' emails--the humorous, the touching, the chain letters. You get the idea. Well, the last two emails she sent me stuck with me in a way that surprised me. I have provided an edited version of one of those emails below. I'm not sure who is responsible for these words of wisdom and I truly hope they won't be offended by the liberties I have taken to change a few words here and there to more accurately represent moi.

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making
 my bed, I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many people leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
 


Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 80’s and 90’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love.... I will.




I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a not-so-perfect and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from those hard bodied youth. They, too, will get old.


Though with age I may become more forgetful, there are some things that I have experienced in this life that are better off forgotten.

Over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one or when your first love walks out of your life? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
 So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

 
 



As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
 I've even earned the right to be wrong.
 


So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

I just love this 'letter' to our aging selves. I am embarrassingly guilty of stressing about getting older and searching endlessly for that next best anti-aging miracle cream.


That one line "I will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to" gave me pause. I stopped, I reflected and I realized that "yes", I want to start to live MY LIFE with abandon. I will not worry about being "appropriate". I will not care what others think of me. How liberating to be able to shake free of this youth obsessed ideal that the media is forever shoving down our turkey-necked throats.

Which brings me to the irony: My mother was always so aware of what others thought. She was a young mom who felt that she had to prove herself and in doing so, she was at times, harsh and unforgiving with us children. I hope that she is sending me a message that she wishes she had received so many years ago. Maybe this can be the step that we need to meet halfway?