Tantrums and Tears

Why didn't anyone tell me how hard this would be? I think Dr. Laura might have mentioned it a few times...don't divorce, don't date if you have minor children, and for god's sake don't remarry until they hit the age of majority. OK, so I didn't do any of the above and sometimes, I really think Dr. Laura is up in the corner of my room pointing that finger at me saying "I told you so". What do you do when you have four children and two pairs are from different fathers?

They're all from my loins so technically they are all the same right? But at times I have to admit that I feel overprotective of my children from my first marriage. After all, my children with my current husband have an intact family and both of their parents under the same roof. My other kids must cope with infrequent visits with their father who has relocated to a new province; who is recently engaged to be married; and who has a two year child with this new fiancee.

I don't know what the answer is. I struggle with the impulse to jump to their defense but what about my younger children...do they suffer because of my guilt? And what about my husband? He seems to come last on my list of concerns...I think that is standard practice amongst those of us who have 'blended' our families or started another after a failed attempt at the first one. I am quick to conjure up 'mother bear' in response to perfectly reasonable feedback about my elder childrens' behaviours and choices. Is this the guilt that compels me to ignore reason?


The irony is that for a long time I've blamed my mother for my "stuff"...for my inability to trust; for my inability to feel safe to be 'me'. But am I doing the same thing to my own children? I think back on that time when my parents were divorcing; how I am quick to blame my "unstable" mother for the chaos that followed their separation. I find that as I am attempting to navigate motherhood, I am reflecting on how it must have been for her; trying to hold it together for three children. Being the ultimate narcissist and her husband has left her for another woman must have been torture for her. I am not in any way absolving her of her mistakes but I can understand how they came to be; even if I continue to feel saddened and disappointed by the decisions she made.